I never believed in “Love at first sight”. Call me a cynic if you must, labels never bothered me. For me it was all about the person, and thats not something one can get to know when you see them the first time.
But hey, I had to eat my own words the day Ashu was born. One look at her and I felt this sudden knot in my stomach, my heart kind of stopped beating for a nanosecond. No I am not exaggerating , it was something I had never ever felt in 35 years of my life. The day my daughter was born and I saw her for the first time, held her in my arms, kissed her forehead was a day that changed my life forever.
I wanted to give her the whole world, the moon, the stars, literally everything. Perhaps it was a way for me to soothe myself for having an absent father in my life. I did not want her to ever experience the pain and longing for a father, to grow up with an aching heart and an empty place that I carry till date.
Things were deteriorating between Aisha and me as days passed but my hope was Ashu. She needs a normal childhood, she needs both of us, not a wrecked home. How wrong I was, time would tell . And it did.
The 3 of us pretending to live a normal happy, stable family life- it was a mirage and apart from Aisha and I, it was Ashu who was suffering the most. Our constant fights, fraying tempers followed by the eerie silence that engulfed the house was starting to show in Ashu’s behaviour, her grades at school. She was no longer the chirpy silly girl , she wasnt my Ashu. What had we done, what had I done?
The solution wasn’t easy , Ashu is close to both of us , I did not want to take her away from her mom, but I couldn’t bear not being around her. Waking her up each day with a squishy hug, our banter in the car as I dropped her to school, our weekend squash game and swimming lessons. Life would never be the same again.
Perhaps we should give it another try, Aisha and I. Maybe it will work out. I nodded my head and smiled. I knew it was never meant to be, we both knew it since long.
Sometimes you have to let go, let go of the people you love the most, without whom you cannot imagine a life, the ones you had planned a lifetime with, made up a calendar of events, things you would do together over the years. Its hard, it hurts as hell, maybe some day the pain will subside or will there be a gnawing ache forever just like the one I carry for a father I never had? I’ ll leave that to time.
But I know for sure, she will be happier, with us being apart and its that happiness that will keep me alive. I had made a promise when I looked into her eyes for the first time and fell in love with my girl ” Your happiness is what matters the most my baby girl and I will do everything I can to keep you happy”. It was time to fulfil that promise.
Linking up with Vinitha who hosts Fiction Mondays