Que Sera Sera- what does a woman want from a marriage?

A few days ago I overheard 2 of my junior colleagues – in their mid 20’s talk about marriage and wonder when will their turn come. They were looking at the decked up pics of cousins, school and college friends who were all tying the knot, the artistic lehengas, jewellery, picture perfect moments with their beau all sent out to the world through Instagram and FB. Hearing their wishful thinking I smiled and it took me back to those days 6 years ago when I was in a similar situation.

I turned, put my best smile on and told them “I know how this feels, trust me I have sailed in the same boat. But being on this side of the grass now, I would like to tell you don’t hurry up. Yes the whole world may get married , people younger than you may get hitched but who said its a norm. If you have met the right guy, by all means go ahead. But if you haven’t or have met someone but aren’t completely assured that he is the one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, then please don’t join the bandwagon. Wait and take your time until your heart and mind both give you an undoubted “yes” If you make a wrong decision, its not that its irreversible and you are doomed for life, but it does get ugly and messy especially in the Indian context. That is not to say that one must succumb to pressure to avoid any mess, but why not put in your best in trying to make the right decision now before you tie the knot”.

I dont know if they completely got what I was saying, I understand its difficult being on that side of the fence, have been there and know the immense pressure if not from family, but from people around.

I remember I was barely 26 and after lunch a male colleague casually asked my age. I replied 26 and his instant response was “Oh my God what are you doing, go get married”. This was not the only conversation, I remember a few such instances over coffee and lunch where colleagues (In all cases I remember were male) were always asking me about my status many exclaiming that its late and I should wait no longer. These men are all educated, CA’s like me if I have to be precise.

A blogger friend wrote an article recently about what would one give more importance to- passion or stability in a marriage It was quite interesting to read her article and more than that, the comments of readers. I thought of what mattered to me  if I were to choose today and typed my reply to her comment. If I was asked the same question 7 years ago, my response would have been quite different.

Hell its passion without a doubt- a younger me would have said. How can anything matter more? I have to be madly in love with the man, he should be someone who sweeps me off his feet. What use is stability, the world’s riches and everything I desire in the absence of burning passion?

It took me back to the day when I met a guy from a matrimonial site. He was well qualified had a stable job but was quite older than me. I wasn’t too happy with the fact but my mom reasoned out with me. In  the pic he doesn’t really look that old and unless you have met him in person, how can you say for sure.  Maybe you both may hit it off, who knows! Stability does matter in life, you may not realise it at this point but a few years down the line you will know why it matters.  I decided to have an open mind and meet him. The meeting was a total disappointment. Not just the fact that he looked really old and I just couldn’t picture us together as a couple, but there was this awkward feeling in the air. We both spoke, but there were long pauses, somehow this was surely not meant to be. We departed and decided to contact each other later. I was fervently praying that he doesn’t find me desirable for I knew if he says a yes, I would have to convince not just my rational family but myself as well that  between passion and stability, why would I just not consider the latter. Thankfully after a torturous night and no response I messaged him. He said he needed time to think, I left it at that. Thats surely not a good sign but worked out well for me. After that I never heard from him to my relief.

The first year of marriage and the  brief courtship that preceded it is what I will fondly remember as being the most romantic period of my life. All that mattered was being together, holding hands, or hearing each other’s voice when we were apart. I was so smitten by this overpowering feeling that the fact that I wasn’t happy in my professional life hardly mattered to me. I just went to office, did my job , exchanged many messages with my husband and made the customary phone calls- waiting to get away from work. Isn’t this heady feeling something every couple goes through in the initial phases of marriage? One almost feels intoxicated by love and this mirage of happily ever after. Its a novel thing- at least it was for me. I was in love with my new role of a “wife” and was enthusiastic to do my best. Be it experimenting with my new found culinary skills or planning a short getaway together – it was like this had become the most important thing in my life and I was enjoying it. Nothing wrong with that. And that is not to say that love has gone out of the window now after 6 years of being married- but it has certainly taken a new form.

Priorities have changed. The birth of our daughter was a significant milestone in many ways. Not just that it gave me a new identity as a mum, but I evolved big time as an individual. I found that I could no longer tolerate unfair treatment from people. It is pointless for me to spend time amidst people who do not value me- this made me take the big decision of changing my job after having spent 7 years in an organisation where I started my career.

I was always a competitive person who chased her goals and never accepted mediocre results – I had lost this winning streak somewhere over the years but I was finding it back. I was passionate about my career now and I could see the tangible results- I delivered solid performance and I could see that my potential and ability was recognised. At the same time, I discovered my love for writing and I put in my soul into my blog. The love and acclaim I received only strengthened my resolve to put in more. My job and writing had become an integral part of my life.

At this point of time, what I needed from my partner was an understanding of things that  matter to me the most. He need not share the same passion like me- but knowing that these matter to me so much and being a part of my journey is what mattered. I did not have the time to cook, attend to household chores like earlier, there are days when there is no time for a phone call too, leave aside messages. I could not have imagined getting past a day without talking but there are days now when I am in a frenzy – I sometimes do not have time to use the washroom as well – things are that crazy. I know it sounds melodramatic but there are tense moments like these at the workplace . At end of the day, if I can ride back home with tired eyes but an accomplished smile on my face, then its worth it. And so far, every moment spent has been worth it.

My priorities may change with time, I do not know. Maybe when I am 50 I may chase different things- I may slow down or want to run faster. I do not expect my husband to share the same goals or passion.

Many expect that a spouse should be one’s best friend but I have a different view here. I feel its unrealistic to place so many expectation from a life partner. A husband and wife should be good friends no doubt but having this one person with whom you share every tiny detail of your life, turn to for all sorts of advice be it work related, your hobbies, relationships – it just feel surreal to me. It again indicates over dependence on one person around whom your life revolves. I have always found a handful of special people – some of whom I can share my work related matters, a few with whom I can talk about blogging and my journey in writing and someone else whom I can talk about parenting or my relationship with my parents. I do not expect my spouse to fit into all these shoes. Life would be very boring and predictable if it does happen.

A spouse who stands by you in spirit, knows the people and the things that matter to you the most. He may or may not see eye to eye with those people but the fact that they matter to you a lot-is something he knows , accepts and respects. He knows what gets you ticking – be it your work, hobbies, spending time with your kids- he does his best to help you in your quest to achieve your dreams, the same way as you stand by him in his quest to achieve his dreams.

A few years into marriage , after kids, the word “passion” in marriage acquires a new found meaning.  Its not just about passion under the sheets , but the fact that you understand and stand by your spouse as he/she pursues those things  that matter beyond the 4 walls of the house. The fact that you give space, trust them, let them know that though you may not see eye to eye on everything , you are around watching, they just need to look around and call your name and you will be by their side. The confidence that you can can instil in them is what keeps the flame of passion alive and burning.

Eager to hear your thoughts- what matters the most in a marriage? Have your thoughts changed over the years? Please share in the comments section. I would love for this one to be an interactive post.

24 thoughts on “Que Sera Sera- what does a woman want from a marriage?

  1. After long I came across your post. Akshita I already am a big fan of yours,and this post made my day. I am in my 20s already I have this pressure of marriage from parents not but society for sure.
    And see being Frank enough,at age where I am,we sometimes have craving for having a partner…I sometimes want someone to hear me ,my aspirations,my goals,my dreams, but we want to share it with that one special person
    But reading your complete blog (although it’s a lengthy one,but equally exciting and interactive), I am quite sure I need time to understand what I really want from a future partner. You beautifully expressed those initial years of life and then coming to future life…
    All the way beautiful,loved it,🙂🙂😘😘😘😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thx so much Rashi! I was out on vacations and hence writing took a standstill. The post is long I know and I usually like to keep it short as I don’t want it to be taxing for my readers. I don’t like reading long posts too! But there was so much to say on this topic that I had to write more to do justice. I know how you feel and I say that cos I was in the same boat. But being on the other side now my perspective has changed completely and I realise there are something’s that matter the most snd always will. I do hope you find the right partner who lets you be and supports you!

      Like

  2. As you already know my husband and I are best friends. We don’t always have solutions to offer each others problems, but just talking about them to each other helps us find perspective. Beyond that we give each other space.

    The raging days of teen age hormones and inability to keep our hands off each other are long gone. But passion certainly hasn’t vanished. We still have passionate discussions, are deeply involved in each other’s lives and have regular date nights.

    My marriage is a great source of happiness to me. However a happy marriage in my opinion must be made of two happy individuals and one cannot lean on the the marriage to find happiness as an individual.

    My husband and I got married after a 7year long relationship so marriage did not feel like a big change. Life just went on as happily as before. No biggie.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a priceless bond you and Papa share and I always say that. But I think that’s because you both are invested in each other. Here is wishing you many more years of togetherness

      Like

      1. “Love” is such a feeling which I would prefer to keep it short & sweet. As we grow up we gain a lot of knowledge from experiences which helps us to choose a better partner.
        *I never found my love so I rather enjoy your take rather typing a long comment :p

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I guess that’s what we call adulting 😊. I was this silly girl 6 7 years ago and now I have changed so much. I could easily relate to you on how the passion towards works change over a period of time. It also depends on the company you keep. My husband and I have been together for over 10 years now, but we would bore each other if we tried sharing every detail of our lives… 😅😅 I cannot even imagine talking so much hehehe but that’s just us. A partner doesn’t have to be a best friend. To me trust and loyalty matters the most in a relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It will be 14 years of married life, this November and I knew him for 6 years before that. I like your advise of being patient and taking your time to get married. But I do feel that the passion has to be kept Alive. There had been a time especially after the baby and when they are small, when those feelings take a back stage, but yes even today I love that special feeling when we go on a date alone. I do need my girl friends as a breather, but at the end of the day my husband is my best friend and whether or not we may offer advise to each other, but just listening to each other woes be it workplace or home, goes a long way in strengthening the bond.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The dynamics of every marriage are different Ruchi and I am really glad you share such a deep camaraderie with your spouse. No doubt passion has to kept alive but for me the meaning of passion has undergone a big change with time!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The post is long but it is very relevant. The “responsibilities” are never discussed or shared post marriage and thats what makes life very different from what they are after.

    Again a soul knocking piece as always.
    Cheers!!

    ~Romil

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think I know who that male colleague is 🙂 Yes, remember those days and all those conversations! I think these topics really bring you out in your writing best as they contain that zing of authenticity and originality that’s hard to emulate!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I married my best friend so I do share everything with him. Yes , I do have friends with whom I discuss other things but I always want to share my thoughts with my husband since he understands me very well . I remember spending hours on phone during our dating years and speaking about everything . I loved doing that and do it now as well. He discusses every detail about his professional life and even values my opinion. However there are no phone calls now during work hours and I guess that is not because the passion in the marriage is missing but as you said the meaning of passion has changed. I guess marriage has its own phases and their should be newness during every phase to keep alive the passion and maintain stability too

    Liked by 1 person

  8. We all change as we grow older. Reality doesn’t always meet our expectations. Courtship is indeed the best part of a marriage and later on, when the kids leave the nest, a new kind of appreciation and togetherness sets in – one that is less tempestuous but satisfying nonetheless.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s