Mommy wanted a boy- did I really hear that or was it my imagination? Its hardly been 24 hours that I came into this world and I have heard more rotten things than I heard in the past 10 months in Mommy’s womb.
As I grow up I realise the bitter truth that many parents especially in India favour a boy over a girl child due to numerous reasons. The biggest misconception which fuels this desire is a girl will grow up, get married and go to someone else’s house but a boy will remain with his family, take care of his parents in their old age. Seems like a Stone Age thing to me. Its really a thing of the past, perhaps ages ago.
Things are changing these days and many people are indifferent when it comes to preferred gender of their offspring. I know that some of Daddy’s and Mommy’s relatives weren’t too happy when I came along, as they all wanted a boy child but I had never expected my Mommy of all the people to hold such biases.
I carried this grudge for long, my tears dried up but the scar remained. When I was old enough, on day in a fit of rage in the midst of an argument I blurted out ” You don’t talk about sexism Mommy, you wanted a boy. I know that, I heard Dadi say”.
Mummy was stunned, her expression was unfathomable. Perhaps she did not know how to react. But what she told me, made me bite my lip in shame for judging her too quickly without knowing the facts.
“Myra I wanted a boy yes but do you know why?Not because I think a daughter will grow up and desert me and a son will look after me but because I never had a brother as a child. We were 2 sisters. Nor did I have a cousin brother as you know we are all girls in the family. As much as I love girls and I share a special bond with my sister and cousins, I wanted a boy solely because I never had one in my growing years. This was the only reason.”
I felt guilty for judging Mom too quickly. While there is a lot of talk about being progressive and not differentiating between a boy and girl these days and most people talking about wanting a girl child or being indifferent- there could be some people who want a boy child and the reason could completely different than the age old reasons people had for wanting a male child. Like Sheena aunty heaved a sigh of relief when she was blessed with a boy child because she was worried about the safety of a girl child with so many incidents on the rise. Can such people freely express their opinion without being criticised? Are we getting too judgemental? Too many questions, but no answers.
This was just a drop of the ocean- there is lot I had to face as years progressed and I grew up. To start with, being a dusky girl means being viewed with a different set of lens but thats a story for tomorrow.
Linking up with #BlogchatterA2ZChallenge- Letter B
My theme for the challenge is
“A slice of life through Myra’s eyes” – a fictional tale of growing up and learning some vital lessons about self love, feminism, sisterhood, a working woman and the essence of being a woman in urban India.
Very nicely put up in words. I agree that we have to be little less judgmental about wishing for a boy child. When my nephew was born, me and my sister were really happy and the only reason for that was being two sisters we never knew what is it like to have a boy child in the family. It was simply exciting for us. One should not be judged for innocent wishes, we all are human but then the world will always be little judgmental always, it had been. As long as the majority or the people close to us are understanding and there are people like you speaking and spreading the word of truth, I think we are good.
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Thx so much Ambi. Perhaps I was insensitive to this aspect as well until I heard from a few women about why they wanted a male child. It then made me introspect and hence this post
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I have a friend who lost her father when she was only 2 months old. So it was only herself and her mom. Her mom didn’t have ties with extended family. So she always missed having a loving family. She tells me today she is very happy God gave her 2 boys. One of my boy is the father I didn’t have and the other is the brother I didn’t have. And that I always wanted boys so I have my family. I love your post Akshata. I know mothers who wish for boys for a very rational reason but are judged.
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Thanks so much Aesha especially for sharing this experience of a friend. I really think this judgement for anything and everything needs to stop
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I have heard of many anecdotes of people preferring a gender but for reasons that are not conventional. The skeptic in me thinks that they are lying to seem more acceptable and open and yet the liberal in me says that people should be free to express their opinion and have their own preferences.
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That’s always a tough battle Arjun. A guy once told me he prefers to have a son so that he can play sports with him. Made me wonder what’s stopping him in playing sports with a daughter
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Those are the ingrained biases we have within us. It’s a long long way to go before we make people even realize the existence of these biases.
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True and perhaps somethings will never change.
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Wow the sequel turned out good and did connect the dots well. Going good…
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Thx so much Ravi😊
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This reminded me of a childhood story of mine. One day I overheard my Mom saying ‘I never wanted a girl’. I was so hurt and I asked her the reason. She said ” I never wanted a girl only because I never wanted my child to go through the pain of being a woman in this society.’
The story is unfolding beautifully.
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That was my thought as well in fact – do I want my girl to suffer with things like period pain, childbirth and then menopause. Being a boy is better a part of me thought
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As a mom of a boy I feel grass is always greener on the other side..being a man and living upto te expectations is not easy either.
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Haha I bet. Its not easy for a boy too these days and for a Mommy of a boy who has a great responsibility in raising him right
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Yes.. exactly
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Interesting plot for the day.. I did wanted a girl after my boy.. But fate did not favour me. B is for beautiful. Do have your say on my post too. Thanks and have a nice day 🙂
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I too wanted a girl and God blessed me with one. Visiting yours soon Deep
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I knew when I was first pregnant that I was having a boy . . I wasnt particular about the girl or boy but I did worry about how I would keep a girl safe in this big bad world.
Bodylicious @NamySaysSo
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Often the thing that gives many mommies sleepless nights
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Glad you spoke about this Akshata and did such a great job too. It is indeed sad that people freely voice wanting a girl these days but fear voicing wanting a boy for political correctness. There will be personal preference for many reasons, but as long as there is no prejudice against bringing up a child of one gender or another everyone has aright to their feelings.
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True its often tough to openly say you want a boy without being judged.
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Good flow of words there Akshata. And a different perspective too. Loved it!!
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thx so much dear Meha I dint want to make it the usual drab for this topic
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Growing up, I always wanted a brother and I have heard my mom wish too. My dad was happy in a houseful of women and often remarked he was blessed with two great girls. Sometimes, we find interpretations and meanings when there are none. Nice write as usual, Aks.
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Thx so much Lav! I am sure your Dad could not have been prouder with 2 super smart girls in the house
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🙂
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Beautiful. You know I wanted a boy too because I felt like knowing what it was to bring up a tiny tit from the opposite gender. Sometimes I was judged for being so sexist in my thoughts. When my son was born, I really felt happy. We tend to judge people so easily without even understanding their perspective.
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Very true Sonia its like you open your mouth and the next instant you are slapped with judgement.
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I have a daughter and I would still prefer another daughter. But, a part of me wishes for a boy. Why? Because I want to prove the asinine norms in our society about the upbringing of a boy. I want to set an example that boys and girls can be given the same upbringing. I want a boy to be able to make the much-needed difference many only speak about but hardly carry out. Waiting for your next post, Akshata 🙂
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Thats a noble thought Rashi. Bringing up a boy is a big responsibility these days.
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Loved this, it’s true that biases can go both ways and the best is if they just don’t go anywhere. Thanks for sharing!
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Thats very true, glad to hear from you Andi!
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True! you know what craze for boy child is everywhere. I had badly wanted a girl and I was infact upset over birth of a boy, till that little bundle made me fall in love with him. And you know sometimes, I breathe a sigh of relief when I hear about girls being maltreated, not just rapes, but also as daughter in laws from the families they get married to.
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True Ruchi and perhaps the reason why people want boys- its normal to think of the well being of one’s child
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I mean relief that I don’t have to worry about this.
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You have a girl and boy Ruchi- I am guessing 🙂
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No dear only a boy. Girl will be one he marries.
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I am sure you will be a super cool saas😊
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There’s a slight difference between having judgment and being judgmental. One should judge everything but without prejudice and should remain open to change one’s judgment in the light of new facts. And, before forming any judgment on someone’s opinion, one should also try to know the cause behind it.
Akshata, your clarity on thoughts and grip on fundamentals always impressed me. And, I must say that you have beautifully woven the issue of gender inequality in your story. It doesn’t seem like thrown at all. Kudos 🙂
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Thx Ravish for the kind words. I agree having an opinion or judgement is ok as long as it’s not prejudicial and one is flexible to hear our others POV too! Thx for stopping by
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so beautifully you molded the story …I am so loved it !!
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Thx a ton Ruchi!
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While the world is changing and the perception of the gender bias is also on the course of a major turn, there are still people who hang on to the old norms.
And while we complain about the difficulties of being a girl/woman in our society, we don’t seem to be doing much about that to make that feeling go away. We are bringing some changes, sure, but they are still not enough.
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It’s not that easy to change the rigid norms which people have stuck onto since ages. And not everyone has the courage or support system to bring about that change. But we can hope that with a few who are willing to stand up, we can see change over a period of time
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True that.
It is a lot of work, hard work. But I believe the next generation should pick up the new norms and the present gen should do whatever in its best to make those necessary changes.
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Agree! I do hope there is a heater tomorrow for our kids
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I hope the same. 🙂
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I too wanted a boy and felt ashamed to say this openly. People would judge me Ifelt for wanting a boy. But like you said I did not want a boy because I feel boys are superior or will support us in old age. I wanted a boy just like my younger brother and to relive those days of our childhood. 🙂
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I can understand that Nayantara! I wish people could be less judgemental and we do not have to weigh our thoughts so much
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Interesting theme Akshata. Hopping over from Second thoughts First can’t answer to your comments there, mine is not a series, just snippets or #FlashFiction
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Thanks Pooja!
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That’s a wonderfully written story. I feel like you have actually written my story here. Even we were two sisters and had no brother. Neither did we get a chance to bond with cousin brothers. That was my sole reason why I wished for one son and one daughter. It was also the reason because I wanted to get the feel of both the worlds brining them up. I am thankful I am blessed with both son and daughter in this life.
Very well written and beautiful thoughts you have portrayed.
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So glad to hear about your experience Medha and god has really been kind to you. I too would have loved to have a boy and girl if I were to have 2 kids!
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Is life really difficult for the girls even in the families with educated parents? Thats sad. When we were gifted with a baby girl, everyone rejoiced…Without a daughter in the house, its incomplete!
Your portrayal of Myra’s world is so powerful that it packs a punch Akshata.
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I too was overjoyed to have a daughter Anagha! But thinking of the period pain, delivery and things like that a part of me dint want a daughter to suffer like this
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For a long time, I dreamed of having a boy as my first -born because I always wanted but never had an elder brother sibling. And then, I became more aware, and started calling myself a feminist, and my dreams changed to one wanting a girl child. But the more I get to hear about the horrific incidents the more I shy away from wanting a daughter. Good thing, I am neither married nor planning to have any kids at all.
Loved reading this. Don’t know why I am not following your blog yet. Correcting that mistake right away.
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Thanks so much Piyusha for the generous words. It’s good to have another person who doesn’t fear calling herself a feminist 😊. I have read your blogs and they talk about feminism very boldly which I liked. Desiring to have a male child doesn’t make one sexist if the reasons are not the conventional stupid ones. I just feel there is too much of judgement around these days
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Agree. We all rush to preach without realizing it may not be as sexist as we think. Thanks for sayingn that!
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I think it is wrong to prefer one gender over another – one should accept whatever gender the child is born. Of course people visualise their lives shaping up according to the gender of the child, and then might have preferences, but there is always the risk of the child getting treated unfairly because of fate dealing ‘unfavourable’ cards.
Cheers,
CRD
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Thats not always true we all have our preferences, its the reasons that matter. Like in my case I wanted a baby girl and I was blessed with one but that doesn’t mean if it was a boy, I would have treated him any differently
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This is a sad reality of our society. Even though its not the stone age and things are changing, there are some things which really make us think about the safety of our girls. Waiting to read the next one.
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Thanks so much Deepa, as a mommy of 2 girls I am sure you relate to this
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Choices are strange things. We are ‘allowed’ to make ours and then criticised for choosing what we choose. Myra is a wise soul. Waiting to read more.
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You put it so well Mayuri!
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Your blog reminded me of my childhood. As a child, I always thought that my grandmother loved my brother more than me. Thanks to all the TV ads on DD1 that made my belief stronger. But this was far from reality.
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Its so glad to know that the truth was not what you thought 🙂
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A very refreshing perspective actually! You’ve brought out that tendency to outrage without cause so well here. Yes, I agree that there may be a number of reasons for our beliefs and desires. But society won’t let us express those freely will they? At least, not on social media. Sigh, it’s one reason I keep most opinions on burning topics to myself. I don’t have the bandwidth to handle arguments, especially with strangers.
Nicely done, Akshata!
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Thanks so much Shy, this means a lot coming from you! I too steer clear from debatable topics for the sheer reason that I find it mindless to indulge in arguments which get nasty
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What a horrible prejudice to be burdened with. Thank goodness attitudes are starting to change, however slowly. Nice continuation 🙂
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Thx so much Ian- its a welcome change!
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When my sister was admitted for her delivery, the girl in the next bed gave birth to a beautiful little girl after nearly eleven hours of labour. Her mother-in-law didn’t even go inside to see the newborn or take care of the poor girl. Reason being, this was her third daughter. Instead the mother-in-law came to visit my sister who had just given birth to my nephew. She even said ‘smart girl’ to my sister. That is the world we live in.
That being said, the story is picking pace, Akshata. Waiting to read more.
PS: Oh and btw, the husband apparently fainted once he got the phone call about his third daughter.
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hey thanks Varad for sharing that story especially the PS part- like your usual punch in the end 🙂 sadly doesn’t seem like this mentality is going to change anytime soon, completely eliminating it doesn’t seem like a possibility
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Very nicely put and the message very well conveyed. The reasons always make the difference. Don’t they?
B is Bold – Love is not my need
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True and thats always the tough one for you dont know if whats being conveyed is indeed the truth
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Many still think in this way in Sudan too, favoring a boy over a girl might be a thing from the past but it’s a concept still alive and well, yet again so does racism!
Enjoyed this post, can’t wait to see what else you have to offer 🙂
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Thx Haneen for shedding that perspective. Unfortunately the concept is still alive in so many countries, but hoping it ceases to exist someday
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very nicely put. experienced it myself.
do read my funny take on gender predictions https://wordpress.com/post/ourpinklemonade.wordpress.com/9
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Thx so much will hop over to yours too
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Very well written Akshata. It appears to come out straight from the heart!
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It’s rightly said that we should never judge a book by its cover. We form our opinion about people even before knowing them and it can harm a budding relation in long run.
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Yea it’s a learning lesson to all. What meets the eye may not be the truth
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